[Part 1] Grief support: An essential education in compassion

Guidelines for those who want to support a grieving person

This series of posts is aimed at people who want to support a grieving person, both practically and emotionally, in a sensitive way.

This is part 1 of 3.

Part 1 : Guidelines on showing up for your friend or relative who lost a loved one

Part 2 : How to be there for a grieving person through acts of support and kindness

Part 3 : How to show up for grievers beyond the early weeks and months

My aim and motivation for writing these guidelines

This is a weird playbook I am putting together. To call it a ‘playbook’ is not right, since play implies fun, and there is not much fun about this. So not a playbook, but consider it a set of guidelines you can follow, or some sample scripts, when someone you know loses a loved one. I wish I didn’t have to write this, but I faced the loss of a loved one not too long ago. As a griever, I was exasperated in more ways than the big self-evident one. I was angry about the insensitive messages I received, or in some cases, a complete absence of outreach from people who knew me. Sadly, I am not unique in this experience. The cultural response for almost all grievers is inadequate to say the least, even though it is wholly accepted as the only way of support.

I told my therapist how disappointed I was with someone who said to me “I don’t know what to say” as a way to express her condolences.

“She could have googled what to say!”, I complained to her. My smart therapist brought to my attention that what my friend had said was, in fact, one of the examples that Google shows to someone who might be looking for sample condolence messages.

Today, after more than a year since my loss, I can focus more on my friend’s attempt to reach out, than on what she had said or hadn’t said. Although, in the early days of acute grief, I desperately needed to see more care, more thoughtfulness. It would have been much more comforting to me, and to even her, if she knew what she could have said or done to show her love.

My hope is that this series will help someone feel more equipped in extending support to a grieving person. I wish to create a sensitive guide for those who mean well, because thanks to a grief-illiterate society where no one teaches us how to show up in delicate scenarios, we may end up creating the opposite effect.

My story

My mother died in September of 2023, and naturally, my whole world shifted in an instant. The least I expected and needed from friends, family and acquaintances at that time was compassion. It did come in different doses, though infrequent and insufficient compared to what I thought a grieving person should get.

What was surprising to me was that people that I expected would show up for me or my family didn’t at all. My mother’s so-called close relative and friend, who used to talk to her on the phone every week, was vacationing with her kids when she got the news. She visited my father after more than a year passed. She has still not called me.

A close friend of mine didn’t come for the memorial because he said an important work meeting had come up, and his parents were fighting, and gave 2-3 more reasons I can’t recall now. Two years later, I still swing between forgiving him and forgetting him. A mother dies only once, I thought, so I really couldn’t understand what else could have been so important for him to not come. Later, he revealed that he didn’t come because he assumed he would not be capable enough to be of much help to me.

That was hugely disappointing. I found out later from other grievers that this is a pretty common experience. Even people you considered close will find ways to avoid talking to you about grief, or will avoid you altogether. This is why many relationships change and break in the aftermath of loss.

For grievers, it is not just the obvious big loss of their loved one. There are many consecutive losses, of friendships and relationships, in quick succession - quite like a big devastating earthquake that sets off multiple aftershocks.

Situations like these show you how loss is a teacher - it makes you see who your true friends and family are. I am not one of those who believe there are lessons in everything. There are better ways to learn that love is essential than through the death of a loved one. But I have to concede - after a loss, there is a clearing of the eyes that will not let you remain satisfied with illusory relationships.

Through avoidance by friends and family in the face of loss, which feels like even more abandonment to the griever during a time of already great distress, the griever loses more than just their loved one, and gains cold, incisive truths about who their real allies are.

“I didn’t know what to say”, “I didn’t think I would be that useful to you since I haven’t been through a loss like this myself”, “I didn’t want to hurt you by reminding you of your loss” - these are some reasons I received when people wanted to avoid facing my grief with me. How can we expect better relating to each other, when we don’t talk about death openly in our culture, for fear of somehow inviting it upon us or our family if we talk about it, or because it is a bummer of a topic? If we truly want to be a good friend / relative / human being, we need to step out of our comfort zones and step into someone else’s pain when it is time. Have we really become that fearful and self-involved as humans as to not go beyond ourselves, to not bear our own discomfort for a while so that we can hold theirs? I hope not.

If you indeed want to be a supportive friend / family member, the first thing I would suggest is to simply reach out to the grieving person. Contact matters, even if you fumble on words a bit. I know, this whole post is about using the right words, but complete absence of any words or gestures is much worse. So many people assume that the grieving person will not want to be disturbed, or they hesitate to reach out because they don’t know what to say. Please don’t assume. At least make an attempt, and let the person grieving respond how they may.

Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

Some examples :

• If you are a distant friend or an acquaintance or a work colleague

Send a text at the very least. Simple, genuine words go a long way.

Offer to go to the funeral and/or the memorial if you can. People sometimes underestimate how much that means. My brother worked at a company for 5 years, and used to play football with many of his colleagues after work hours. We were disappointed when none of them turned up for either our mother’s funeral or the memorial, or anytime in between. Let’s not be this detached in facing uncomfortable situations, please. Unsurprisingly, my brother quit that place soon after.

Example texts you can use :

“I am deeply sorry to hear about your mother’s passing. I am thinking of you and your family.”

“I would like to come to the memorial to pay my respects whenever it’s being held, only if that is not a lot of trouble for you. In any case, I am here to talk whenever you would like to.”

1. “I am praying for you” can be tricky - some people lose their faith in a higher power, and question their entire belief systems during these times. Best to say “I am thinking of you” instead.

2. Depending on their religious custom, let the griever respond to you on what memorial or ritual they can invite you to.

3. It goes without saying that you should modify the text messages to make them more specific according to your relationship with the griever. For example, if you are the griever’s boss at work, you can let them know to not worry about work, to take their time, and to talk to them only when they really are able to.

• If you are more than an acquaintance

Call them. If they don’t pick up, which they might not because they may have a hundred things to take care of on top of low energy and motivation while grieving, do leave a message.

Pay a visit to them in the early days.

Example text you can use :

“I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I am thinking of you. Just text me a hello whenever you feel like talking, and I will call back. I will call you on Tuesday again to check in, but no pressure to pick up if you don’t feel like talking yet. I am here for you whenever you need me.”

• If you are a close friend or a relative

Go to them! Fly out if need be, especially for the funeral and / or the memorial. Stay for more than a day, if you can.

If you are in the same city, visit them regularly in the early days and weeks.

If you can’t make it because of an emergency situation at your own end, go as soon as you can.

They will not forget this gesture by a loved one, at a time when they really needed it. This is a time when you should step up and be there for them. They will remember your kindness forever.

1. Let them know you are coming to be with them. Don’t force it if they say no, however do check in again after some time. Don’t assume that the griever doesn’t want you to come at all - they just might be overwhelmed at that time. Try again later.

2. Book a hotel room for yourself for the first night. Their house may already be flooding with other relatives. If they tell you, then stay with them.

3. Do not bother them with the logistics.

If you are still reading this, it means you are a part of a minority of people who care about doing the right thing even if it is difficult to do.

Remember that many people will not be extending the same courtesy to the grieving person.

So, reach out, even if you think it is late to do that.

Main idea is to get over your discomfort, and employ your courage to be compassionate to someone who really needs it right now.

Key points :

• Ask. Don’t assume. Don’t advise, unless asked for specifically.

• Go to the funeral and/or the memorial. If you think you’re too distant, think twice. This is not the time to hesitate in extending compassion.

• Check in on them, and keep your own discomfort in check. It is about them, not you. Become a holding vessel for now.

• Let them take their time to respond. They have a million things to get through, logistically and emotionally.

• Keep patience. The griever is in the midst of one of the biggest transitions of their lives. They may react in ways that are new to you. Make enough space for the new and the old, both.

• You might have been unable to show up for the griever because of emergencies in your own life. Do not fret over this, and reach out to them whenever you can, even if you think it’s too late. You might be surprised. You may have to apologise, but both you and the recipient can find grace and peace through this gesture of yours.

Resources :

A brilliant resource for both grievers and people wanting to support grievers is the book ‘It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand’, by Megan Devine. Reading it inspired me to do what I can to contribute towards creating a better grief-informed culture.

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Grief Support : Listening Circle

I am hosting an online sharing and listening circle for those grieving the death of a parent or both parents. This will be a safe, confidential place for people who want to talk about their experience with grief, in the compassionate company of those who have been through similar depths themselves.

Details :

Date : April 27, 2025 (Sunday)

Time : 10:30 AM - 12:30 PM IST

Online on Zoom (link to be shared on email and Whatsapp closer to the date)

Group size : Intimate (max 5 people)

You can know more and sign up here : Link to form